Dos & Don’ts

DO

DON’T

start early.
lose a night of sleep.
invite plenty of hot chicks, who will put out.
invite couples who won’t share.
have plenty of clean sheets, safer sex supplies, and hitachi magic wands.
take on the burden of supplying all the lube.
bake cookies. and mix them with your hands. and let girls lick cookie dough off your fingers. and then have sex.
use a spoon. or a mixer. (this is important. there needs to be cookie dough on your hands for the aforementioned licking.)
save your non-participating roommates some cookies.
leave the cookies in the oven until they smoke so much you all asphyxiate.
kick things off. there’ll be that awkward moment, early on, when no one is fucking. at that point, you should be fucking.
drink – or smoke – to be brave.
include trans women.
let anyone bitch about any penises around.
include everyone, the shy ones, the ones you don’t want to fuck—everyone. give them jobs, like handing out supplies, baking cookies, etc.
assume consent.
play music. if you want to fuck to it, put it on.
mock anyone. for their music choices, or anything else.
make noise. it should be loud. this may require advance discussion with the neighbors.
fake it.
accept donations, of time and dollars. when it stops being fun and easy to host, it stops being, and then no one gets laid in piles of girls, which is clearly a terrible plan.
turn anyone away for lack of funds. you’re not a capitalist pig, you’re a sex pig.

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